hosea

Today was one of the crazier days of the week in terms of a pretty busy day. From 9am to 6pm I was going back and forth between classes, a presentation, meetings, etc. But for just a few minutes I got to be still. I refused to open my laptop (as tough as that craving is sometimes) and made myself just sit and read the Bible. Finishing up the end of Hosea, I couldn't focus on big-picture lessons or unique metaphors or anything notably deep or profound. I was just brought to 3 instances in 3 chapters where the Lord starts off a point with saying,

it is I...

It pierced through my heart and I was overcome with such peace. After so many prayers prayed, so many difficulties faced with Clothed in Hope stuff, with senior year issues, even with just the day-to-day happenings, I somehow think I can solve things. And I somehow think that my heart can worship the Lord in doing so.

But when He says "it is I," it all changes. He lets me try to see that I will fail because He's waiting for just the right moment to step in and reveal His power, His glory, His sovereignty to fill me with awe and wonder and love. Lately things haven't happened in my timing (go figure, right?!) or even close to what I had planned. But it's just God waiting to whisper or shout to me "it is I".

It is I who provides resources.
It is I who encourages you when you're feeling defeated.
It is I who understands when it's hard to even communicate how you're feeling.
It is I who pursues you every moment of every day.
It is I who has everything worked out.
It is I who give you friendships to encourage you, to challenge you and to show you how much you're loved.
It is I who desires to bless you, to bring you joy through what has already been done for you.
It is I who loves you and knows you completely.
It is I who brings people into your life to show you more of Myself.
It is I who waits for you to give up to show you that it's done.

I'm thankful for a God who doesn't say "you must do" but instead speaks to my soul, "it is I." And I'm learning to appreciate the rest that He offers in waiting through this time. I'm so glad this whole life thing isn't up to me to do. It's in the hands of a mighty, loving, sovereign Savior.

battle

So many moments, decisions, thoughts revolve around this battle that seems to take over my mind without even noticing it creeping its way on in. It’s the battle to choose America or Zambia. To choose college or career. To choose social events or business meetings. This battle that has me seemingly split down the middle of two separate lives.
But this shouldn’t be a battle. It’s a gift.
America has its wonder- technology, fashion, entertainment, mountains & beaches, diverse friendships, opportunities, freedom, chocolate chip cookies
And so does Zambia- dusty roads, brilliant sunsets, echoes of laughter, little hands, Rooibos tea, humor through difficulty, culture, strength
(just to name a few…)
I don’t have to choose. I don’t belong to either but rather I get to be a part of both. I get to see the Lord in different ways, looking upon the face of the Savior in the Nordstrom sales associate and in the disease-stricken orphan. God lets me get a glimpse of His true nature. He is complex yet simple. Just yet merciful. And He is completely loving.
My heart may sway between two places but it can be at rest. There is no battle to be fought.
God’s plan is perfect.
If He’s brought me to this place, it’s not without all-loving, sovereign purpose. For today I’ll curl up on the couch, enjoy a good movie & Vogue with some milk and cookies. I’ll enjoy the little things of America because of His grace, knowing that these are just blessings poured out for me to enjoy to give Him the glory in return. Undeserving but wholly loved through Christ.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. [Psalm 62:5]

glory

God doesn't delay. He acts in His perfect time to display His glory.
Today, His glory is on display oh so brightly.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."
Ephesians 3:20-21

Even when I think I have things figured out, or when I think I've received enough grace for the day, God continues to bless for His namesake. How can we say that anything on this earth even comes close? Why do we look for this love elsewhere?

He is good. His love is never-ending. He loves to bless. He acts to proclaim His glory- not mine- but His.

My heart is grateful.

challenges

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the Founder and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:1-2

Run the race, huh? What happens when my track has a few more hurdles, maybe even some sand that forms a top layer on the track making me slip with each stride? Or a tar pit that catches each step? Can I still endure and run the race? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean it won't be an intense challenge. It just means that I have the joy of looking to Jesus IN that and resting in His victory over this tricky course I'm on.

I'm about to get vulnerable. So that if that stuff freaks you out I suggest you end your reading here. But I would also encourage you to keep going, because vulnerability seems to be the way God breaks us of ourselves and shows us just how screwed up we really are but also just how incredibly loved we are in His sight.

Clothed in Hope has the tendency to consume my thoughts 90% of every day. But lately these haven't been warm and fuzzy thoughts. They've been ones of fundraisers and intern tasks to keep my mind off of the daunting reality of what's really going on. Here's where the scary stuff comes in: My plan all along has been to move to Zambia in June but as of this very moment, I don't have anywhere to live. I don't have anyone to come with me. I don't have a partner to sponsor my visa. I can't get in touch with any of my in-country contacts who have offered to help with these things. And I'm at this place where I just feel... stuck. I wouldn't use the word defeated since the Lord has been so gracious to me to keep on with it. But it's rough. It's hard for me to think about going alone, or that I don't have anywhere to live if I get there, but I know that time isn't up and that God never delays. That still doesn't stop my sinful, human heart from admitting that this is challenging, testing, frustrating, overwhelming.

Since when was following Christ easy? Doesn't He COMMAND me to take risks for the Gospel, promising that through us, He will do more than He did when He was here on this earth?

Today I broke. I snapped and the build-up had just become too much to handle. Sure I've prayed about it a lot but I've never just broken before the Lord about this issue. Maybe it's because I've felt guilty for not trusting in God as much as I did when I said YES to this journey in the beginning, who knows. But in a moment of brokenness and helplessness, I got an email from my summer project leader, Larry, who has been an incredible encourager and mentor to me through everything Zambia and life.

He challenged me to not get discouraged. But beyond that he opened my heart to admit that Zambia isn't an easy place. It's really really really difficult to get anything done from the States, nearly impossible actually. Even in-country, life is tough. It's not tourist-friendly, it takes 3 days to fly there, there isn't a huge base of missionaries, it isn't cheap for foreigners. BUT it is the place where God has told me to GO and love His children, to share the redeeming love of Christ with them through spreading the Good News of Him and His promises. Larry ended the email with a prayer of his that couldn't be more on-point with my own heart's cry:

"God if you want me to reach a difficult place, I'll do it. I just need to know You're in it with me. Someone else can reach the easy places."

Will you just pray for me, pray with me that God will use me in the difficult place, despite the wall of challenges and all the voices that seem to say "it's impossible?" Will you pray for Zambia, a difficult place that so desperately needs the love of Christ?

joy

So it's obviously been quite a while since I've posted. But that absence of words doesn't portray an absence of thoughts in my mind. Over the past month, I've been wrestling with so many parts of CiH that just seem... impossible. Looking at the big picture and the daunting funds needed and the checklist of items that just don't seem to get checked off, I easily got sidetracked. I got distracted from the purpose of Clothed in Hope, the purpose of life. To LOVE and to receive LOVE from our Lover, Savior, Rescuer, Provider, Healer, all things good and perfect in the Lord.

I attended the Passion Conference in Atlanta for the third time just a couple of weeks ago and honestly I wasn't expecting much. I felt I had already experienced the heart awakening for the nations by the grace of God opening my eyes to the needs of the world and our responsibility to meet them with the love of Jesus. Standing to worship in another session, I was hit by a truck- with this song, one I've heard a million times over.



Except this time was so different than any other time before. If you watch the video you'll see that people from all across the world sang this in worship in their native language with a full heart and in full joy of the truth of this song. Even sweet little ones from Uganda stood up there singing to our God with more passion than I've felt in my heart in quite some time. It was in that moment that God reached down to my heart in grace.

He showed me that serving Him in Zambia through Clothed in Hope isn't a burden. It isn't impossible. He's ordained this and He's before all things and causes all things to happen. He's here to carry my load when it feels too heavy to bear. He's here to hold my hand when I feel no one else cares. He's not just here for me. He's LET me see the needs of Zambia; He's LET me know the hearts of dear Zambian women and children to LET me in on HIS PURPOSE: to make His glory known to all people through the immeasurable love of Christ in a slum in Lusaka, Zambia. That's it.

Too often I view the daily tasks of Clothed in Hope as a burden and lack the sugar coating of explanations when people ask me about it. But it was in that moment God shook me and showed me through His intense love, mercy and grace that this is all a GIFT and that swells my heart up with intense joy to think that the God of the Universe, the One who knows every person on earth, has CHOSEN me to bring hope to the hopeless. He has CHOSEN ME- a doubting, selfish, ridiculous college student to carry His name to Zambia. Just let that soak for a hot second.

Our "burdens", our "crosses to bear" aren't without purpose. They aren't only hardships for the sense of being refined into this great Christian. They're God's ultimate plan to USE us though He doesn't need us. They're God's grace to let us SEE what He's doing in our workplaces, in our homes, across the nations, though He doesn't need to show us at all. They're God's method of letting us partake in HIS holiness though we are far from it. Now that just wells my heart up with immeasurable joy.

trusting

Into your hands, I commit my spirit.
-Luke 23:46

Learning how to TRUST today.
Apart from feelings, fears, chaos, confusion, HE remains constant.

He

I love because Christ loves me.
My move to Zambia in June isn't terrifying because the Lord will never leave me.
I will serve Zambian women because Christ has shown me how to serve through His life.
I'm obedient to His call because He loves me.
I understand hope because God has given me hope through the death & life of Jesus.
I choose to volunteer my life because God has shown me that my riches can only be found in Him.
I am, not for myself, but because I am His.
I'm not great. I'm sinful yet God has chosen me and lavished me with grace from the cross of Christ.
I choose Christ, but He chose me first.
I live for an audience of one.
I am not Clothed in Hope. I am Christ's. And Clothed in Hope is His.
He is everything.
He is love.
He is the ultimate servant.
He is hope.
He has chosen us.
He has died for us.
He pours out grace.
He equips and speaks.
He is life, abundant life.