nothing

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in Me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing. John 15: 5

Apart from God I can do nothing. I can do no good. My "good" is evil without Him. My heart cries out for a life of desperation like I've witnessed in my dear Zambian friends and God answers. Here it is. Life that is void without Him sure stirs up a desire to abide, to cling to Him with all of my might. He's offering love. He's offering protection from my sinful self. He's offering a life of purpose.

Business meetings, conference calls, fundraisers, intern meetings, countless emails, t-shirt sales, it's all really, really hard to deal with on top of being a full-time student. I know there's purpose in every minute I devote to Clothed in Hope, but I can't help but just hate my busyness. I know that God has given me this schedule to bring Him glory but so often I twist it to become anxious and stressed at my packed-to-the-minute planner. If I'm being honest, it really gets to me sometimes.

But God. He reminds me that not a single one of those "good" things for the women of Zambia, for the organization, are good if I've left Him out of it. He's here with His hand outstretched asking me to just hold on for the ride of my life. Sure it's busy but it's joy when I get to fly by the seat of my pants with the One who created and ordained every single detail of my life and of the world. Who cares if I get a B on a test or if I take 5 days to email someone back? God isn't satisfied in the checks off of my to-do list or my performance, but in the way I trust Him, rest in Him, abide in Him, keep my soul desperate for His redeeming love and grace daily. And that is freedom.

throwback

I just came across a tattered journal I bought at the University of Zambia that contains bittersweet memories, tough entries, and the telling of my heart when I came back from Zambia. These are things I don't need to dwell in, but that I need to be reminded of. Because God taught me SO much during one of the hardest seasons of my entire life. He taught me things that are constant, steadfast, never-changing despite the world changing all around me.

I don't know why, but I wanted to share it. So here goes...

August 9, 2010
What freedom. To know it's not up to me to have it all figured out, to plan far ahead. God's got every path formed for me. I can walk in the peace of knowing that so long as loving God is my first priority, all other things will follow closely behind. I don't have to stress about this year. I don't have to censor myself, restrict myself from talking about God with certain people. I'm here for this one life. Life from God. Life for God. I'm here to share the Gospel in hopes that I can spend eternity with my friends but even more that my friends can spend eternity giving glory to the One true God who rescued them from the depths of their sin. Why should I live a Christian life? Culture? Duty? Because everyone important in my life wants me to? No. Because I have been pulled out of my grossest sin, been saved from living a pointless life by the blood of Jesus. I was created to glorify God. Only when I set aside myself can I see my true purpose and find the purest joy in working for that purpose. Joy in knowing I'm doing what my Creator made me for. Christ should be my sole aim in life. When I stand before Him when I die, why should He let me in? Because HE died and I reacted to His sacrifice. I shouldn't live a life numb to what He did. I also shouldn't praise God only for who He is to me and what He's done in my life. I should praise Him that who He is before Jesus' sacrifice is the exact same as who He is today. His qualities never change. I can never be blacklisted from God. His love for me is as unconditional as it comes. While this mercy is overwhelmingly amazing, it'd be dumb to only see this side. The God who controls the earth controls my life. I need to live in reverent fear of Him, dedicating my every moment to Him. Sure His love covers all but how can I grow closer to God if I fall away only to be picked back up to the place I started from? There's a fine line between religion and striving to live every moment for God but what separates them is the motivation. Rather than trying to earn more favor with God, I can recognize His goodness, power, faithfulness, His all-knowing being and live out of reaction to GETTING to serve a God like that. My actions are just reactions.

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Thank you Jesus for never giving up on me. For opening my eyes to your constant truth, mercy, grace, and love.