I realize it's been forever since I've last written and I'm sorry for that! Just to catch everyone up, I got married on November 9, the most beautiful day of my life, and am officially Mrs. Amy Woodell Bardi to my wonderful Mr. It's been an exciting, beautiful, crazy, joyful, chaotic past few months.
Just a week and a half before our wedding day, I was curled up in the fetal position in my bed, lights out, with the most massive migraine I've ever experienced. I used to have frequent headaches but nothing like this. I was out for a couple of days. I was frustrated that I couldn't keep going with my tasks for the wedding due to this inconvenience.
I might be pretty good at hiding it sometimes, but I'm a worrier. I crave control to feel at peace. I over-plan. I like my to-do lists, and they quite honestly could be considered an obsession. I like schedules. And I become anxious when my plan, my list, my schedule doesn't quite work out.
So you can imagine my frustration feeling completely helpless with the world's worst migraine right before my wedding.
What if it comes back on November 9 and I can't be in the daylight to even walk down the aisle?
What if I have a new chronic condition?
What if I caused this on myself and can't ever experience freedom from my stress, worrying, anxiety, etc.?
Yes, those were my real thoughts, no exaggerations whatsoever. I choose fear over faith sometimes. I overanalyze. I think I can control the uncontrollable.
But since that day, I've began to realize that I can't.
I live in a world that tells me that I can be perfect, I can do it all: I can manage a successful business, I can be the best friend, wife, daughter, etc., I can work 24 hours a day and still get my 8 hours of healthy sleep and I can work out and eat healthy and craft and cook the perfect made-from-scratch dinners. I can save now to be rich later. I can make a 20-year plan to the last detail. I can self-manage, self-motivate, self-improve. I can do anything. Right?
I can't.
I can't be the perfect bride, free of migraines and stress.
I can't create more hours in each day.
I can't cook without a recipe.
I can't do 99% of what's posted on Pinterest.
I can't be the best friend to 50 people, much less 15.
I can't arrange pinecones in a hurricane vase to decorate our first home for Christmas.
I can't create cleaning solutions from scratch.
I can't always do my best with my work.
I can't raise $100,000 to grow Clothed in Hope.
I can't look perfectly pulled together every day.
I can't self-improve, no matter how hard I try.
I can't tell you where we'll be in 6 months, forget about 20 years.
I can't organize as well as I'd like.
I can't curb my obsession with Target.
I can't always love and respect my husband as I should.
I can't sustain my faith in Jesus by my own efforts, or lack thereof somedays.
I can't change the lives of 23 women in Zambia.
I can't always live by faith.
I can't catch up on my reading list, that's supposedly aimed to self-motivate, self-improve, self-etc.
I can't keep dust from collecting on every surface.
I can't support raise enough for my imaginary 20-year plan.
I can't go a day without having a negative thought and/or reaction (usually and).
I can't find time to do every Christmas thing I was hoping to do this season.
I can't overcome sin patterns in my life.
I just can't.
Anyone with me on this one?
I dare to say that I'm not alone. So overwhelmed by can'ts that I often find myself stuck in them. The world tells me that I can do it all, then tricks me into taking a bite of that apple. I then find myself trapped in guilt, shame, insecurity, failure that I couldn't do it. It's like a game that I've played for far too many days of my life.
But since that migraine, tides are changing. Slowly, but surely.
God's grace is in the can't.
God's provision is in the can't.
God's joy is in the can't.
Because only in the "I can't" do I see that He can.
He can. He will. He is.
It's not up to me. He doesn't demand my perfection. His love for me is based on absolutely nothing I can or will ever do. His love for me is absolute, more unconditional than we can ever comprehend.
God doesn't care that my cooking is B+ at best. God doesn't care if I don't finish my to-do list most days. Because He cares about me. He cares about people. He cares about hearts.
Only when my soul is brought low, humbled, can I look up to see His sovereignty, His strength, His trustworthiness, His love, His compassion, His ability. That He can.
The pressure is off. The weight lifted. There is FREEDOM.
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
