challenges

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the Founder and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:1-2

Run the race, huh? What happens when my track has a few more hurdles, maybe even some sand that forms a top layer on the track making me slip with each stride? Or a tar pit that catches each step? Can I still endure and run the race? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean it won't be an intense challenge. It just means that I have the joy of looking to Jesus IN that and resting in His victory over this tricky course I'm on.

I'm about to get vulnerable. So that if that stuff freaks you out I suggest you end your reading here. But I would also encourage you to keep going, because vulnerability seems to be the way God breaks us of ourselves and shows us just how screwed up we really are but also just how incredibly loved we are in His sight.

Clothed in Hope has the tendency to consume my thoughts 90% of every day. But lately these haven't been warm and fuzzy thoughts. They've been ones of fundraisers and intern tasks to keep my mind off of the daunting reality of what's really going on. Here's where the scary stuff comes in: My plan all along has been to move to Zambia in June but as of this very moment, I don't have anywhere to live. I don't have anyone to come with me. I don't have a partner to sponsor my visa. I can't get in touch with any of my in-country contacts who have offered to help with these things. And I'm at this place where I just feel... stuck. I wouldn't use the word defeated since the Lord has been so gracious to me to keep on with it. But it's rough. It's hard for me to think about going alone, or that I don't have anywhere to live if I get there, but I know that time isn't up and that God never delays. That still doesn't stop my sinful, human heart from admitting that this is challenging, testing, frustrating, overwhelming.

Since when was following Christ easy? Doesn't He COMMAND me to take risks for the Gospel, promising that through us, He will do more than He did when He was here on this earth?

Today I broke. I snapped and the build-up had just become too much to handle. Sure I've prayed about it a lot but I've never just broken before the Lord about this issue. Maybe it's because I've felt guilty for not trusting in God as much as I did when I said YES to this journey in the beginning, who knows. But in a moment of brokenness and helplessness, I got an email from my summer project leader, Larry, who has been an incredible encourager and mentor to me through everything Zambia and life.

He challenged me to not get discouraged. But beyond that he opened my heart to admit that Zambia isn't an easy place. It's really really really difficult to get anything done from the States, nearly impossible actually. Even in-country, life is tough. It's not tourist-friendly, it takes 3 days to fly there, there isn't a huge base of missionaries, it isn't cheap for foreigners. BUT it is the place where God has told me to GO and love His children, to share the redeeming love of Christ with them through spreading the Good News of Him and His promises. Larry ended the email with a prayer of his that couldn't be more on-point with my own heart's cry:

"God if you want me to reach a difficult place, I'll do it. I just need to know You're in it with me. Someone else can reach the easy places."

Will you just pray for me, pray with me that God will use me in the difficult place, despite the wall of challenges and all the voices that seem to say "it's impossible?" Will you pray for Zambia, a difficult place that so desperately needs the love of Christ?