grow

This blog entry has been imagined, prayed for, and hoped for, and with a huge exhale of relief, I get to write it this morning.

Let’s rewind first.

Six days before I flew out of Raleigh, just 2 short weeks ago, I received an email that threw my already-anxious heart for quite the loop. It was short but not quite sweet. It was from the folks I planned to rent a house from for this trip to Zambia. We made an agreement back in February for me to have a furnished house in the neighborhood next to the compound of our Chikondi Community Center. A team of 3, followed by a team of 7 were all fundraising and preparing to live in this house with me. The email stated that I could no longer stay there.

6 days before I left.

In a country where Craigslist doesn’t exist, my friends’ houses are all booked up, rentals are skyrocketing due to inflation, in the 3^rd most expensive city on the continent.

Why??? Why me? Why another hurdle? Why was I being “punished” for stepping out in faith and following the call God had for me? Was this a “no” or a “red flag” or any other code word for it not being God’s will anymore? Why hadn’t I seen this one coming?

Questions, lies, doubts, fears flooded my mind. I emailed tons of people and only got a few short-term solutions for myself. What about our teams? Why?!

I grew bitter, frustrated, even angry at times preparing for the trip that was supposed to be all joy. Finally I was being joined by people I love in the country I love to also witness how life-changing CiH is to its members and to us. Finally I wouldn’t have to live alone. Finally my friends and our staff would understand the context of my life and CiH. The joy quickly faded and I chose resentment. I knew God was good, but how come every step forward I make with my life here in Zambia is met with resistance and difficulty? Couldn’t it just be easy?

In that I’m met with Amy from 2 years ago, the Amy begging to be rid of the idol of comfort to see Jesus for who He is, not just what He gives. Begging to be stripped of an apathetic, easy Christianity. To be poured out by Jesus only after being completely filled by Him, no matter the circumstance.

Where did that Amy go? Why was I angry? Yes, the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy, but God is ultimately sovereign. I know satan hates when I want Jesus and he throws things in my path. But what if God had His hand in this one too?

Ridding me of any control I had over my life here in Zambia (as little as that is), God was showing me that He’s the only One who sustains, provides, and LOVES. I can do no good apart from Him. This organization can be nothing without Him sustaining it and giving His hope to all of us.

Most importantly, rather than punishment, God has graced me to grow. To be pruned, however painful, to bloom for Him above myself. He’s not mad at me. The housing situation wasn’t out of anger. It was out of the richness of His love that He wants better for my life than my sick need for control.

One morning I get an email from a listserv here in Zambia that lists ads of things of interest to the expat community, and I got this funny feeling with this one. Like “this is it.” But still my trust couldn’t completely cover the pain in my heart. Taken by the hand of the Savior of the world, I looked at, interviewed for, and signed on for a house for short-term lease in a matter of 4 days. If that’s not a miracle in Zambia, I don’t know what is. It’s furnished. It’s in the neighborhood I wanted. It’s safe. Sure it’s more expensive, but God will provide for that too.  He has never been unfaithful to me and He won’t start now.

When we see barriers in our way when we risk for Jesus, let’s ask Jesus for His way around it, the way that makes us like Him with our roots planted firmly in the truth we know above the feelings we feel. He will never stop loving us. And our growth, though painful at times, will bring about a harvest in His name for the world. I don’t know how many difficulties it will take for me to live in Trust, in peace with that incredible promise but I pray only for the grace to keep on learning.

For me it was hopping on an airplane without a place to live to prune me of myself and trust in the sovereignty of God. What is it for you?

engaged (pt. 1)

I sense that there’s a huge, African-sized elephant in the room (or in this online world), and I want to share my personal life with y’all a bit to clear that up and let you share in all that God’s done in my relationship life.

For those of you who don’t know, this incredible man, Wyatt Bardi, got down on one knee on April 19 and asked me to marry him!!

Here he is. Handsome, hilarious, wise, humble, creative, steadfast, godly. My future husband.

But let’s rewind before we get into the details of our engagement and our future...

I started Clothed in Hope in January of 2011 after a broken heart led me deeper into the heart of Jesus. I took that leap of faith and I had to count the cost of this crazy thing I had stepped into. I knew CiH was God’s calling on my life for me to share His hope and love with the people of Zambia, but that’s the main calling I felt.

And I underestimated God’s ability to perform miracles and lavish abundant grace upon His children while I was narrowing my view of the future.

I concluded that His call on my life to Zambia meant sacrificing the one thing I had dreamt of since I pulled that plastic and pearl veil out of my dress-up box when I was 4 years old. That one thing that kept me up until 2am with my college girlfriends over a pan of brownies and Pinterest boards. Y’all can think this is crazy but I’ve always dreamt of being a wife. And I linked my “yes” to Zambia with a “no” to marriage.

I grieved the loss of that dream. But I knew deep down that I still desired a husband, a life partner, a best friend. It just couldn’t possibly happen now. It just didn’t make sense on the 5-year plan I mapped out in my mind. So I set that dream aside, I went on with my plans to leave for Zambia after I graduated, and I didn’t dare feed that desire that still burned within. If a desire isn’t reality then it must be wrong, right? Incorrect. God can plant desires within us that are good, even if they don’t come to be immediately. And I found that out last March.

For my last college spring break trip I had dreamt of going on a cruise with friends, but plans quickly changed when I was asked to be a student leader for my church’s college spring break trip to NYC. I mean, it’s NYC. How could I pass that up? And one last hoorah with the church that played such a huge role in developing and strengthening my faith in Truth and community. So I traded my bikini for a peacoat and agreed to co-lead 10 other college students through the streets and subways of New York City. Each female leader was matched with a male leader to compliment each other and provide healthy dynamics for the group, but I had just one issue. I didn’t know my co-leader.

Our first leader meeting arrived and I finally met this mysterious co-leader with mutual smiles and some corny jokes to break the ice. His name was Wyatt. A couple more leader hang outs and then we were off in a van for 16 hours to NYC with our group of 10 unique, dynamic, friendly, and fun students. Wyatt was the van DJ and I was the group mom, sharing my Sour Patch Kids and pretzels with anyone who even felt a tinge of hunger.

I knew I was to be single forever. Okay maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but I knew I was going to be single for years, so there wasn’t the usual tension of me liking Wyatt or vice versa. I was free to be his friend and his co-leader. And in that freedom I was so very encouraged. I witnessed a man lead others in life and to Jesus in a very real, honest and humble way. He protected us as we worked our way through the subway system. He led us in prayer. He checked in on my well being as his co-leader. He woke up early and stayed up late to be prepared for the day. He even walked me to my room after each long day. I saw Wyatt as a goofy guy, but as an incredible leader. And I noticed that we made an incredible team together. The more I stepped back out of my usual tendency to over-control and take charge of group activities, the more I witnessed how it should be. Wyatt stepped up and thrived in his role of leadership. He loved it and I loved getting to be on his team.

And at the end of a long day in NYC when the filter was long gone from my mind, I laid on my deflated air mattress in a hotel room with my 2 best friends and let slip out, “Guys, I think Wyatt is kinda cute.”

That’s where it all began. A fast friendship.  An encouraging, challenging, and Gospel-centered partnership as a team. Laughs till 2am. Intentional time sharing what God has done in our lives. Prayer. Oh and chatting almost all 16 hours of the van ride back after he (smoothly) changed seats to sit next to me. And best of all, discovering his shared passion for the continent that warms my soul- Africa.

I had entered the unknown. I hadn’t planned for this. I was supposed to be single. I looked for every excuse to run away out of fear of getting hurt again. I couldn’t tell him that I liked him too during our first date because I didn’t want to open the door of vulnerability. I had my plan in life and nothing was going to change that.

Little did I know that Jesus wanted to change it for our good. For His good. To create a team of two people who are better together than when they’re apart. To refine two people to be more like Himself through their differences.

On April 19, 2012, sitting in my little house in Columbia, SC after watching some good quality television (Swamp People), we decided to move forward with this relationship, walking into the biggest unknown yet. We knew I was leaving that July for an undetermined amount of time. But we also knew that if this was what God was calling us to, then this would be sustained and enriched by Him no matter the distance.

Jesus did in my life what I didn’t even think He could do. He proved His miracles are for His glory AND our good. Maybe they don’t always come in the form of a man and marriage, but in this case it did. Too many days I talk about our relationship as if it was normal but it’s everything but. Wyatt is God’s miracle in my life. My partner. My best friend. My teammate.

I knew Zambia was what God had for me but my limited scope kept me from seeing the big picture. The immeasurably more than all I could ask for or imagine. My plastic and pearl veil transforming into a real one. A love story that can only be attributed, created, and sustained by the Savior of the world. The most tangible way of experiencing His love through seeing how Wyatt loves me when I’m most undeserving. The Gospel on display. Two sinners united in grace for His glory and for their resulting joy.

I can’t wait to share with y’all all that the future holds for us. I’ll give y’all a little teaser for now and it includes three dates:

1.     Tomorrow (June 11)

2.     August 8, 2013

3.     November 9, 2013

Be on the lookout soon for part 2 but in the meantime, give God the glory He deserves in this miracle He’s performed in bringing one brokenhearted girl to a place of marriage with a man who humbly pursues the righteousness of God every single day, all by His grace and mercy. And just how much Jesus loves the two of them and you, regardless if the desires He’s planted in your soul have grown into reality just yet.