be

I've been reading this really dorky book about returning to America after spending time overseas, especially in regards to living in impoverished areas and such and came across this passage. It's just one of many that I feel like were written from the depths of my heart.

"Another prominent feature of reverse culture shock is the feeling, perhaps the reality, of having to start over. As described in chapter 1, nothing is really familiar during this period: not the people, not the places, not the way of life. Very little comes naturally to you and virtually nothing is routine. Everything you do- from emptying the garbage to driving to the supermarket to sending a fax- requires your close, conscious attention. The mundane, the minutiae of everyday life, require so much of your energy and time that there is little left for anything else... On the physical/emotional level, being overwhelmed means you are tired much of the time (check) and may have little resistance to flus or colds (check); you may lose your appetite or indulge in binge eating (check); you may be irritable and find it hard to concentrate or relax (major check); you may have dramatic mood swings and fitful sleep (check). To be blunt, you're not much fun to be around (check?)"

Reading this was a slap in the face. But also a weight lifted. Sure it makes me sound like some lunatic but it's also freeing that the things I'm experiencing here back at school aren't super strange. They're part of the process. But also part of the process is to seek God, as is a part of every life process. I was SO ENCOURAGED by getting to go to my home church, Midtown Fellowship, last night for the first time since April. It's my home, it's my family, it's Jesus in my life. There the message crazily (or not so crazily) paralleled an excerpt of another book I've been reading, Come Away My Beloved. God doesn't want us to be overwhelmed, no matter if we use adjusting as an excuse or not. He just wants us to be.

These excerpts are from the passage "From Center to Circumference"
"Lo, you seek revival. You do well; only do not seek it in the energy of the flesh. For the flesh is intent upon its own interests; yes, it lusts after those things that perish with the using. I would have you seek Me in Spirit; then I will come down upon you in all My fullness and will hold back nothing of all that I desire to do for you. For My ways are hidden from those who seek Me in the energy of the flesh. I am in you, yes, for this very purpose above all other purposes, have I taken up My abode WITHIN you; that My Spirit might be diffused through your spirit, and that we might be one even as I am one with the Father.
I in you, and you in Me, that we might be unified in thought and in action: in devotion and in purpose, that we might move continually not as two, but as ONE.
I ask you not to do but to BE.

For I do not intend to strip you of earthly ties and joys, but I long to have you give Me the center of your life that My blessing may flow out to the circumference. For My Spirit moves not from the circumference to the center, but from the center to the circumference."

bless

Rewind to Friday afternoon. Class is out. Rush is about to start. I had to pick up some nail polishes for recruitment so I figured I'd just stop by a dollar store on the way to the sorority house. I was wearing my nice white sundress (only worn one other time for rush sophomore year), gold sandals, pearls, hair and makeup done perfectly, freshly showered and looking my very best. I pulled into the parking lot with my air-conditioned car just running through the motions of a quick errand, unaware of what was just about to hit me.

I quickly grabbed a basket and piled up the $1 nail polishes and hurried to the register. I placed my basket on the counter and waited at the register for the man before me to finish. Something made me stop in my tracks. Surrounded by sorority women, college life, beautiful houses in my neighborhood, I had almost stopped believing poverty was an issue in Columbia. Compared to Africa things are beyond perfect. Except that this belief soon came crashing down. The man in front of me in line was wearing torn up shoes, dirty gym shorts and a soiled t-shirt. He appeared "normal" like a husband who just finished with yard work. But his smell, his demeanor suggested otherwise. With nine cans of tuna fish on the conveyor belt, it hit me that this man could be homeless. He could only afford cans of tuna but then I saw that he couldn't even afford that. With one swipe of the debit card, the man still owed $1.30. Outraged and embarrassed, the man started yelling "what do you mean it's not enough? it's just food! it's just food!" The man didn't even have enough money to buy himself nine cans of tuna. In that moment the world froze, and what the cashier did next makes me believe I looked into the very eyes of Jesus at the Dollar Tree. The cashier looked at the man, paused, then simply said, "it's my fault, you're fine. I got it." There obviously wasn't a mistake. But the cashier opened his own wallet, took out his last dollar bill and gathered up some change and put it in the cash register. Just like that, the ordeal was over and the man left with his cans. Disgusted, sick to the stomach, hating myself, I stepped up next in line, paid for my 20 nail polishes and left.

I prayed for a broken heart for people in America, to be exposed to American poverty, and before I could even see it coming it had slapped me across the face. I felt like I had to do something, to fix it. I jumped in the car and found the man walking along side of the road. I pulled over in a parking lot and with my too-expensive wallet I was going to give it all to this man. I wanted him to eat, to sleep safely, to be cared for. I rolled down my window and held it all out but he just looked around franticly, not all there, and hurried away. I couldn't help this man. My chest tightened with tears welling up out of no where, and I lost it. I looked up and no joke, saw the billboard drawing awareness to the American hunger problem. Hello. Prayers answered. Done right? Not one bit. My meltdown just melted even more when my mind started racing. Why God? Why am I driving this car? Why does he have to walk? Why don't I eat tuna for every meal? Why am I driving to a mansion to invite other girls to our mansion? Why did I just pay for nail polish out of my too-expensive wallet? Why do I have so MUCH? It's not fair. In that moment I wanted to pack up everything, sell it all and just get out of here. I considered buying a tent and just living in that to go to school. I was done. I was disgusted with American consumerism, and how I felt like I was just drinking the kool aid.

In that moment, God said "Stop it Amy. Get a grip. Can't you see? It's what I've been trying to show you all along. I'm in control. I have a plan. That man with the tuna, I love him. That man at the register, I love him. And you, I love you. For the man with the tuna and the Dollar Tree man, I provide for them. And you, I've blessed you to bless. Give freely. Be my hands and feet." In that moment of anger and confusion with myself, God brought clarity. Peace in understanding.

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." Luke 12:48

If you have a job, it's so that you can bless your boss by working diligently and contributing to the success of the company.
If you get to go to college, it's so that you can be a blessing to your professors, attending class and showing them respect.
If you have a family, it's so that you can love them how Christ loves us, encouraging them and walking in life with them.
If you have a Bible, it's so that you can spend time in the Word of God, learning about Him and growing in deeper relationship with the God of the Universe, falling more in love with Jesus Christ who sacrificed Himself for all mankind.
If you know Christ, it's so that you can spread His hope and His love to all people of all nations that rescues them from eternal hell and sets them free as children of God to love Him.

If you can read this, you have been blessed to bless.

fear

If you haven’t already picked up on this, I believe in being real. I struggle with it sometimes but it’s through my writing that I can really spill it all out. It’s my heart’s prayer that I can allow God to work in every part of my life so that this barrier will be torn down to allow every part of my life to be vulnerable, not just in writing.

This morning, I was honestly looking of a way out of sitting down for a “quiet time” which is just my way of learning about God and His Son through the Bible. I felt pressed with my to-do list, weighed down in stress of all that has to be done. I’ve wanted to write this very blog for quite some time now but this morning isn’t the morning I would’ve ever pegged for the whole let’s be open and gushy kinda thing. So I thought I was taking the “easy” way out by just opening iTunes to listen to a podcast from my church, Midtown. I’d eat my breakfast, listen in, and walk away from the day with some sort of accomplishment. As I write this it sounds ridiculous. But it’s really how my heart reflects my mind, and yes it’s gross. At the core of who I am, I sometimes believe that I will be able to earn God’s favor, that I’ll be able to impress Him into lavishing me with more grace. God’s proved that wrong so many times over but still, somehow, I believe it.

Maybe it’s because I believe that I have some sort of control over this life. I love a checked off to-do list. I love a sense of accomplishment and it’s when that’s tested that my life gets a little messy. Running Clothed in Hope, dealing with the realities of it all, I get stressed. I claim it as “anxiety” or “stress” or even tell people that “it’s hard” or “I’m afraid.” These words are common in our society, claiming these issues in a similar fashion like “I have blonde hair” or “I go to USC.” This is just a characteristic of who I am right? Extremely wrong. Couldn’t be more off from the weight of proclaiming these characteristics over my life. By allowing these titles to define my life, I am owning sin. I’m deliberately choosing myself over Christ. I’m harboring darkness in my life. Fear. Doubt. These both reflect a lack of trust in who God is, what He can do, and mostly for me, lacking in the realization of just how much God loves me regardless of who I am, what I’ve done or what I do, both good or bad. I recognize God’s power of my life when things get tough, crying out to Him when there’s really nothing else I can do about it. But lately God’s helped me to listen, hearing Him telling me there’s a different way. He wants me to take it to Him FIRST, to walk forward but with my hands tied behind my back. I won’t be able to do anything to prove that it’s me doing it. There’s no fooling myself now. God’s the only one directing my life, even with an overwhelming amount of sin destroying my heart. There’s no other explanation for it. Jesus died so that I can live. Not living for myself but God living through me.

I’ve had my fair share of breakdowns. Of temper tantrums with God. During a recent breakdown God said, “Stop. Speak to me. Tell me everything. Run into my arms. Let me speak words into your soul that will comfort every worry, that will defeat every fear. Even though you can’t put into words how you feel, I know. I always know. All your life you’ll have me, I promise you that. I’ll fight for you. I’ll always win.”

He’s telling me to return to my first love, Jesus. Instead of owning up to fear, I must choose to reject that sin in my life, bring it to light. In the light, no darkness can exist. When I’m trusting God, really trusting wholeheartedly, fear cannot be present. My life’s aim isn’t for an improved Christian life. It’s to know God and to love Him.

There’s only one healthy kind of fear. One that should define my life. Fear of God: knowing God is big enough to take care of everything, that we’re forever resting in His perfect love. Place fear where it should be, fear Him. He’s got it all. His love is enough.

sala

I hope to have some intense lessons-learned type of post up soon. But you can't put a timeline on processing over 2 months of life in Africa, especially when one week of that was returning to a place that God used to completely wreck your life. So until then, I'll share some long overdue stories...

Meet Sala :)
Sala is a Ghanaian employee for Global Mamas in charge of processing and preparing international shipments at the house. Out of her dedication to make a better life for herself, she diligently leaves her house every morning at 4:30 to catch 3 different buses/cars to get to the Accra office by 7. She works silently all day straight through lunch and rarely looks up for a break. I worked just feet from her everyday without really knowing her but still oddly curious at who this woman really was.

Everyone has a story. It's on you to find out what it is and just listen.

I thought her selfless dedication to the NGO was inspiring enough. But little did I know, there's much more to Sala than the eye can see. One day at the shop I decided to just ask. Vulnerable to rejection with the possibility of connection. Sala's eyes brightened at the very second I asked, overjoyed that someone not from Ghana would pay attention to her. This isn't me boasting righteousness; it's just one time that I decided to lay down my own pride and do what I could to love the one, as Jesus commands. Sala started off by telling me that she's adopted by a couple in London who have a huge heart for children. She's one of many adopted children by her parents. Instead of choosing to live in luxury in London with her new family, she chose to live in Ghana to dedicate her life to her people, to her home.

Rewind to 8 or so years ago. Sala began working at an orphanage in Accra, Ghana out of her love for children. She knew the work came with little pay, long hours, but the bonus was a full heart at the end of each day. She worked to educate the children, keeping them fed and happy. After a few months, she noticed something wasn't quite right. The money that came in to the orphanage wasn't transferring. Though hundreds, even thousands was spilling in, the children could barely get one meal a day. Tattered clothes and dirty faces broke Sala's heart. She was just an employee feeling helpless and confused. But she knew something just wasn't right. Sala, just one ordinary woman, took it upon herself to get to the bottom of the issue and fight on behalf of the starving children the orphanage was supposed to be protecting. After weeks and months of digging around, Sala discovered the problem. A devastatingly huge problem. The orphanage director was taking most all of the donations flowing into the facility and pocketed them. The director didn't care about the children suffering as a result of her greed.

Sala could've just turned a blind eye. She could've succumbed to her helplessness. But she took a leap and risked it all. Sala went to the already-corrupted governmental officials to officially report the crime. Months passed with no answer, no justice. Sala was fired immediately after her filed report. It appeared the director had gotten away with it all. Sala said she didn't feel defeated because she knew she did all she could for the children. After 8 years of dedication to loving each child in the orphanage, Sala was unemployed and hurt. It was then that Sala began working for Global Mamas as she was in desperate need of a steady income. Almost a year after starting her position at Global Mamas, Sala was informed of some incredibly exciting news. The police caught up with the orphanage director, arrested her, and shut down the corrupt operations of the orphanage. Children were split into smaller groups and placed in loving orphanages and homes across Ghana. Sala kept in touch with her sweet children and never gave up on bringing justice to those without a voice.

If the story ended here, I would still rejoice over her persistence to see justice brought to these children, desiring a better life for them. But this woman, just one woman, let love shine even brighter. She currently works a full work week with Global Mamas but uses her weekends to visit groups of children that were split up after the dissolution of the orphanage. Sala devotes her life to loving these children and doesn't need a salary to do so. This is sacrifice. This is LOVE. The one day she shared this story with me, she had just returned from one boy's birthday party over 5 hours away who had recently been adopted by a Ghanaian couple. 10 hours of travel for one boy. Inspiring, touching yet challenging to my heart.

What will you do to defend those who can't defend themselves?

Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.
Isaiah 1:17