dreamers

I used to think you had to be special for God to use you, but now I know you simply need to say yes. 
I used to think God was good some of the time, but now I know He's good all the time. 
...we need to stop plotting the course and instead just land the plane on our plans to make a difference by getting to the "do" part of faith. 
-bob goff

Last night I had dinner with 7 others on a backyard table lit with candles. Dinner lasted for hours, stories were exchanged, advice given, laughs shared, but afterwards it wasn't these things, or even the food that struck a chord inside my heart. It was the fact that the 7 people I shared dinner with, 7 people all doing different things here in Lusaka, were all under 25 years old. They didn't know their 5 year plan, they didn't know what the next 6 months would hold for them with work or even if they'd still be in Lusaka on down the road, but they're here. 

What's so bad about being a dreamer? What's so bad about breaking down walls of comfort in planning, resumes, obsession with the biggest paycheck or best internship, to do get out and do what we're passionate about? What God's designed us for? 

We'll probably fail, a lot. We won't have the luxury/curse of seeing months down the road. But I think we will delight in walking by faith, free of the idols we spend carving out in our "busyness," living a life that differs from the "norm." 

So dream. But then do. It doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to be organized to every last detail. It just has to happen. 

I'm not asking you all to move to Lusaka (though I wouldn't mind a few new friends here), because that's probably not your dream. What's your dream? What seems too big, too scary, too "radical" for you to do? Do it. Because God will be right there to see you through it. Somehow I don't think He wants you stuffed in a cubicle in a job you hate in a life you don't enjoy without purpose or love in what you do, unless that's your dream. 

What do you dream about? Going to grad school to learn about what makes your heart beat a little faster? Traveling to a foreign country to experience another culture? Interning at some small nonprofit to see life through a different lens? Adopting a child? Transitioning your family's schedule out of routine soccer practices and school plays, to serve your community together? Starting a church? Getting more involved in yours? Taking up photography? Opening a bakery? God wants to use your dreams for His glory. He really does. 

So dare to be a dreamer. 

one

One month from today I’ll be boarding a plane back to the US. I should be super excited right? Excited for great food, a comfy bed, a predictable routine, tons of people similar to me to surround me, conveniences of shopping and everyday life, fast internet, long showers, English spoken everywhere. Right? Is that what I’m supposed to feel?

What if I told you that I’m not excited for these things? What if I told you I have this nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach about returning to the US in fear that I’ll slip right back into my comfort-driven lifestyle, competitive for fame, success and acknowledgement of others, selfish and narrow-minded, cluttered and overly busy?

Sitting down to write this post, I’m discovering that I’m even a bit more torn up over this than I thought. I don’t want to go back. I want to stay uncomfortable. I want to keep this simple lifestyle, the one that is the closest reflection of living how Jesus intended us to as I’ve ever felt. Relational, de-cluttered, dependent, an awareness that I can’t cause anything to be, full of love- real, painful, sacrificial, joyful, abundant love.

Maybe this will be just the step I need though. This isn’t a surprise to God. He planned it exactly this way. I know that I need to be home to fundraise (a LOT) for CiH to allow continued growth here. Incredible stories have been written over the past 2 months that I can’t wait to share, and my heart’s been impacted more than I realized. I know I’ll be so grateful to spend sweet time with my best friends and family. This isn’t just about me, it’s about them too, and words will never be able to express my love for these incredible people in my life. So I know I need to be back, regardless of my wants.

In this moment of just sitting, allowing myself to be real about my feelings towards going home, I feel a wave of peace. Not silence, but peace. I know this is my home. I know I will be back, very, very soon. I know He only has good for me. I know I am just part of His plan here in Zambia, and He won’t leave when I do. I know I am nothing apart from Him. So while my heart feels more bitter than sweet about leaving, I can stand on the peace He’s poured over my undeserving heart.

I know I’ll continually fail to express this tension I feel while I’m in the States, words just aren’t enough and it’s not a shared experience. But I rejoice in the great friends He’s given me here who get it, after all seemed so incredibly isolating at the start. He knew I needed to walk through the darkness alone to cling to His light, to realize the gift of friendship in a place so different than the States.

As I look back over the last 2 months of my time here, woah buddy. There are too many lessons to name, too many hurts to express, too many joys to share, but one thing I can share: God is faithful to fulfill His promises. In His perfect time in His perfect way. I thought this trip would be it for a while, to come and go as I lived my comfy, cushy life in the States, but today I know of a different plan. His plan.

If the Lord continues to will it to be, I will be back in just a few months to the place my heart calls home, to the people I laugh with though I can’t carry on a conversation with, to this uncertain, risky, chaotic, yet incredibly beautiful city. Thank You Jesus for letting me be a part of Your heart here. Thank You for never letting go of my hand, every step of this joyfully painful journey. I live for You. Nothing else can satisfy; nothing else can come close to the joy of walking in Your will.

So walk I will. In the States during the craziest season of the year. Already I start to feel overwhelmed, but this is His will. So against all feelings of mine, I’ll ask for my heart to grow for Him during this season ahead. Yes it’s daunting, but I walk hand-in-hand with the Redeemer of the world. Why fear? Why worry?

Take my fears. Take my anxiety. Take my selfishness for this place. Take my heart. Make it yours. Less of me, all of You. 

thirty-one

Fridays are paydays for the CiH women. They receive the profits for the bracelets they hand in after passing through community quality inspection. These days are days full of joy, with laughing, singing, cheering and too many smiles to count. I don't think they're just excited about some paper bills with lions and birds and Zambia photos on them. I think they're joyful in the changes they see in their own lives through Jesus giving them this opportunity to enjoy a new quality of life. I think this because I laugh, I sing, I cheer, I smile, too, and I don't get a cent on Fridays. I receive more joy in those days than I have in so many others, because I think this is exactly what God wants for His daughters: community, joy, work, growth, provision, an understanding of His faithfulness and love.

Before I keep going, let me just frame the Friday experience with one moment that I'll never forget. Emeli is the one woman who has never spoken a word of English in our entire group. No "hi." No "fine" as the go-to reply for "how are you?" We still communicate though, through hand motions, demonstrations, and mostly through laughter. It's a friendship that I treasure. She's a beautiful woman. All along I've been learning, wanting to get to know their culture more. They're gracious to teach me patiently about gender roles, language, food, traditions, etc, but it always seemed to be pretty one-way. Like I had to dive into Zambian culture to really meet them, which is how I assumed it should be. So anyways, Emeli received her profit on Friday and I said "zikomo" (thank-you) for her quality work and time dedication. And just for being her, but she prob didn't pick up on that part. It was one of the first times I used Nyanja (the language) around her because I really wanted to enter into her world, because God's been so gracious to let me see this way of living in this nation, a fascinating one. Instead of the anticipated nod and smile, Emeli, sweet Emeli, said to me, "thank you." What a tender and special moment for both of us. What a beautiful thing to enjoy each other in this world, no matter the differences, the boundaries that seem like walls. There is always more to learn about each other. There is always beauty to be seen in each other's lives. And I think we just saw a glimpse of that on Friday afternoon.

That moment with Emeli was so special. I didn't even think it had that much of an impact on me until I just couldn't shake it all weekend. Why? Because I love those women. I love their beauty. I love their joy. I love their love for Jesus. I love what He shows me through them.

And lately it's been the beauty of the Proverbs 31 woman. Not for gender expectations, or keeping the woman in the house like it's been perceived and taught sometimes, but quite the opposite. Looking into God's heart for women and true beauty in these verses, I see that the CiH women are a direct portrayal of how He's designed women, and the encouragement they are to so many when they just trust in their identity made by Him. Here are the verses I just can't ignore as a mirror reflection from each one of those women:

v. 13 She seeks will and flax and works with willing hands.
v. 14 She is like the ships of a merchant; she brings food from afar.
v. 15 She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household.
v. 17 She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.
v. 18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night.
v. 19 She puts her hands on the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle.
v. 20 She opens her hands to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. (yes, even this one)
v. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant.
v. 25 Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.
v. 26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
v. 27 She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat up the bread of idleness.
v. 29 "Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all."
v. 30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
v. 31 Give her the fruit of her hands and let her works praise her in the gates.

There are references in this description of a Proverbs 31 woman that refers to a husband. But somehow, I think Jesus is still glorified in the widow, the single mother, who works to praise the Lord, who doesn't accept what culture tells her about her life and instead clings to His promises.

What a blessing to be witnessing these women as reflections of their intended identity in Christ, to be learning from them even if they don't think they're teaching me. Beyond me, what a blessing for them to be pillars in Ng'ombe, shining His light through work, beauty, trust, desperation, confidence, selflessness and love.

outbreak

Here's a short and to-the-point post just updating you on what's happening here with the little ones. There's been a measles outbreak here in Lusaka, so all clinics will be vaccinating children 6 months to 14 years old free of charge in order to prevent further spread and possible death from the disease. Vaccinations will begin on Monday with lines at compound clinics so very long and lasting for hours.

Tresa and Elina will take George, Joshua, Jona, Shakiwe, Grace, and Sango to the clinic on Monday in hopes of receiving the vaccination before the lines get too long and the vaccination could run out. The older children over 14 aren't eligible for this, so we'll just keep praying that measles won't get to them, or that they'll be able to receive the vaccination for a minimal fee.

Grace, squished behind James (the boy with the pink striped shirt), has just come down with a terrible case of chicken pox, given to her by Pauline's daughter. She's 10 years old but the size of a 6 or 7 year old due to malnutrition and stunting. Elina's children all live in super close contact with one another, so please also pray that this won't be an outbreak of its own in Elina's house and with the women who gather there for CiH every day.

Disease and illness are scary here. One fever can bring death. One misdiagnosis and wrong prescription can too. Please pray for the health and protection over the people of Ng'ombe and greater Lusaka whose lives are so fragile.

gratitude

So many updates to share. But while I’m here, here’s the most recent.

Today, one hour before training was scheduled to begin, we all came early to throw Pastor Brian a “thank you” party in gratitude of all the time, effort, and dedication he put in to help us become an official Zambian NGO in 2 days rather than 6 months. He’s an incredible man who shares our vision, and the women recognize that as well.

Two weeks ago, they all gave back 20% of their profits to a Pastor Brian present fund and bought him a new shirt and shoes.  Women who have nothing. They gave because they recognize the sacrifice Pastor Brian has given to us and to the Lord.

For the big celebration today, I brought donuts and juice. Elina and Tresa got out their finest glasses and washed them, and even bought new ones with spare money just minutes before we began so that everyone could enjoy such an event. Songs were sung, smiles were beaming, and Pastor Brian had incredible words of encouragement to share, giving all thanks to the Lord. As if this beautiful day wasn’t enough, one marked by selflessness, reflection in the His faithfulness, and the beauty of the global church, Brian sends me the best text ever:

“Auntie Amy, thanks for the gift from CiH. Thanks also for obeying the Lord to come & serve us. Hebrews 6:10, 1Cor15:58. Pastor Brian”

Hebrews 6:10: For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for His name in serving the saints, as you still do.

1 Corinthians 15:58: Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

Some days are just tough. That’s the only word I can find to use. But I am thankful today that Jesus used Pastor Brian to speak words of life into my soul, to quench the thirst in my heart to see more of the Lord. Thank you Jesus for encouraging me and loving me regardless of the tough days.

It really is all for His glory.

kickoff

Don't mind if I do get a little sappy sap up in this post. Today is the first Gamecocks game of the season, away at Vandy, and even 6,000 miles away there's excitement running through my veins. Football season. American football season, I should say. There's nothing quite like it. Tailgates, friends, music, food, memories, laughs & cheers. Community. Good stuff. There's gameday anticipation even over here in Zambia, as I (obsessively) had to wear some garnet & black to support my guys even though they'll have no idea. I think that diploma was just the start to making me one proud Gamecock.

Here's a little throwback photo from when I first fell in love with Gamecock football: the first game of my freshman year. Feels like ages ago, yet it must've been a real good day if I made this best friend on this certain day too. Morgan, thanks for that bonding over the burrito and for standing with me in a crazy student section when we were the only one who managed to have tickets out of all of our friends. Good thing huh?

So for two of the great things in my life, best friends & Gamecock football, I am oh so thankful today.

visiting

A friend of mine here told me that if you plan to come for 3 months, plan to be sick at least one of them. I laughed it off. Until I started getting sick a lot.

Here I am, day 6 out of the one month I’ve been here that I’ve spent sick and on the couch. This morning I woke up pretty late to a missed call and text message from Elina, CiH woman, friend, in-country director, asking where I live because she was going to come visit me. This wasn’t a question or an offer if she could come, she was going to come, and she was going to bring 3 other CiH women with her, Doreen, Tresa and Pauline, to check in on me.

In a culture where I’ve talked to too many women about their husbands dying 7 days after a bug bite, I’m sure the women were more nervous than I was about the severity of a sinus infection, but the care is the topic of discussion.

These 4 women left their homes, their familiarity, to come to a strange neighborhood of excess, steel gates, electric fences, and guard dogs. They risked to love. They entered the unknown to visit. This visit wasn’t dumping a pan of lasagna off and leaving. It wasn’t even a visit with an agenda. The visit wasn’t a noun but a verb. It was 4 women coming into my house, enjoying lunch with me, chatting with me, sharing their culture with me, loving me, translating for me, and ending our time with and incredible prayer for me and for this household. Sure they didn’t have to drink weird smoothies and eat my American PB&J sandwiches with me, but they did because they loved. Sacrificial love. Love that inspires action. Love that encourages, protects, provides. Little did they know, or maybe they did, but Jesus used them mightily this morning. These 4 women, entering into my pain, my isolation, my pajama-wearing self, my messy house, did so out of love. This is visiting. This is a glimpse of what Jesus does for us all every hour of every day. Two women cleaned my kitchen, one woman showed me how to properly wrap myself in Zambian chitenge. How incredible. They served, the prayed, they encouraged. They didn’t say “I love you” but I felt it more than I have in weeks, being squeezed tight by our Savior. The church isn’t divided by the haves and have-nots. It’s not divided by language or culture. The church is global, it’s all people coming together with Jesus in common, the love that drives them to do crazy things like this.

This causes me to rethink our “visiting” in the States, usually built on convenience, disguised self-promotion, and comfort. Visiting doesn’t usually fit into our schedules. It’s not usually easy. But neither was Jesus dying so that we could live.

So the next time we think we have something to give this culture or to teach them, I would beg us to stop and see what this culture, what the people of Jesus here, have to show us.

Today, I’m thankful for visiting. Whether it’s from those 4 incredible women, or it’s from the Lord when I’m alone here, I’m so grateful to see more of Jesus in the visiting: the messy, beautiful, inspiring kind.

James 1:27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their afflictions, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

Today, I’m thankful for James 1:27. To see the extravagant love of the Father that drives us to love, to visit others, to sacrifice, to seek holiness, because that’s where joy and peace are found.