one

One month from today I’ll be boarding a plane back to the US. I should be super excited right? Excited for great food, a comfy bed, a predictable routine, tons of people similar to me to surround me, conveniences of shopping and everyday life, fast internet, long showers, English spoken everywhere. Right? Is that what I’m supposed to feel?

What if I told you that I’m not excited for these things? What if I told you I have this nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach about returning to the US in fear that I’ll slip right back into my comfort-driven lifestyle, competitive for fame, success and acknowledgement of others, selfish and narrow-minded, cluttered and overly busy?

Sitting down to write this post, I’m discovering that I’m even a bit more torn up over this than I thought. I don’t want to go back. I want to stay uncomfortable. I want to keep this simple lifestyle, the one that is the closest reflection of living how Jesus intended us to as I’ve ever felt. Relational, de-cluttered, dependent, an awareness that I can’t cause anything to be, full of love- real, painful, sacrificial, joyful, abundant love.

Maybe this will be just the step I need though. This isn’t a surprise to God. He planned it exactly this way. I know that I need to be home to fundraise (a LOT) for CiH to allow continued growth here. Incredible stories have been written over the past 2 months that I can’t wait to share, and my heart’s been impacted more than I realized. I know I’ll be so grateful to spend sweet time with my best friends and family. This isn’t just about me, it’s about them too, and words will never be able to express my love for these incredible people in my life. So I know I need to be back, regardless of my wants.

In this moment of just sitting, allowing myself to be real about my feelings towards going home, I feel a wave of peace. Not silence, but peace. I know this is my home. I know I will be back, very, very soon. I know He only has good for me. I know I am just part of His plan here in Zambia, and He won’t leave when I do. I know I am nothing apart from Him. So while my heart feels more bitter than sweet about leaving, I can stand on the peace He’s poured over my undeserving heart.

I know I’ll continually fail to express this tension I feel while I’m in the States, words just aren’t enough and it’s not a shared experience. But I rejoice in the great friends He’s given me here who get it, after all seemed so incredibly isolating at the start. He knew I needed to walk through the darkness alone to cling to His light, to realize the gift of friendship in a place so different than the States.

As I look back over the last 2 months of my time here, woah buddy. There are too many lessons to name, too many hurts to express, too many joys to share, but one thing I can share: God is faithful to fulfill His promises. In His perfect time in His perfect way. I thought this trip would be it for a while, to come and go as I lived my comfy, cushy life in the States, but today I know of a different plan. His plan.

If the Lord continues to will it to be, I will be back in just a few months to the place my heart calls home, to the people I laugh with though I can’t carry on a conversation with, to this uncertain, risky, chaotic, yet incredibly beautiful city. Thank You Jesus for letting me be a part of Your heart here. Thank You for never letting go of my hand, every step of this joyfully painful journey. I live for You. Nothing else can satisfy; nothing else can come close to the joy of walking in Your will.

So walk I will. In the States during the craziest season of the year. Already I start to feel overwhelmed, but this is His will. So against all feelings of mine, I’ll ask for my heart to grow for Him during this season ahead. Yes it’s daunting, but I walk hand-in-hand with the Redeemer of the world. Why fear? Why worry?

Take my fears. Take my anxiety. Take my selfishness for this place. Take my heart. Make it yours. Less of me, all of You.