vulnerable

First off, apologies for the lack of blogging lately. Internet is sketch. And things have been pretty busy. If I could just record my entire life here, all 500 emotions I experience on the daily, I would just post that instead. But this will have to do. And probably for your benefit, as those emotions get kinda crazy over here.

Mark, my brother, left just over a week ago. I moved into a precious cottage by myself that I’m renting from a friend who is spending a few months in the states. Clothed in Hope just had it’s first full week of production, and the women received their first profits from the items they made. I became obsessed with and watched the first 2 seasons of Downton Abbey (judge if you want, but watch it first). I’ve met new people, I’ve taken myself to the new shopping mall for a few hours of normalcy. It’s been a week and a half of adjusting to a brand new lifestyle in a third-world country 6,000 miles and 6 hours from home, by myself. An interesting time to say the least.

Before I get ahead of myself, let’s rewind last Monday and Tuesday. Mark and I decided to celebrate an amazing first couple of weeks with a overnight to a safari lodge at the Kafue National Park in the east. We were welcomed with great food, a wonderful chalet on the Kafue River, listening to hippos fight each other as we slept, and enjoyed silence, something we didn’t realize we missed/needed so badly. After going so hard every day, rest was necessary. Monday night I had to turn in early after not feeling so great and turns out I got a nasty bit of food poisoning, making for an interesting 6am safari game drive on Tuesday morning. I’ll save the details, but one thing I managed to hear from our game drive that stuck with me was a detail about the Kudu, a big antelope kinda thing.

He explained this weird mating process of the male Kudu with his ladies (obviously irrelevant), and how after he’s finished his mating season, he spends the rest of the year completely alone. No Kudu bros or babies running around him. What stuck was that it’s known that the Kudu is the most vulnerable animal in the entire park. Not the slow, pudgy bush pig, but the big and strong Kudu. Because he’s alone.

(You'll have to google the Kudu if you want to see him, because going on hour 2 of uploading one photo just wasn't working out.)

My intention in this post is not to invite y’all to a full-fledged pity party, but to share with you where I honestly am. Without Mark here and living in a place to my own is so different. It makes me a Kudu- vulnerable. I don’t have my herd of friends right here to listen to the bad days, laugh with the good ones, or even to call with this time difference and technology woes. There is risk to this vulnerability. Trips to the market, even with Elina, are exhausting with people always calling out to me as the oddity I am in the middle of an African market. The simple errand is quite the ordeal. I’ve faced emotions in depths I didn’t know I was capable of feeling over this last week, but I’ve also experienced a peace I shouldn’t feel.

Yes safety is important. I don’t go out after dark. I have a driver when I go far. I have 2 phones. I don’t carry much cash. And the list goes on. But there are some things I just can’t avoid. I can’t change the color of my skin and I can’t dye my hair for life. I can’t make someone magically appear. I can’t afford a bodyguard. That’s just how it is. But I don’t think me being in this “vulnerable” state is a surprise to God. Maybe to me, okay definitely to me at times, but not to Him.

Sometimes I get so comfortable in my own routine, in safety, in comfort, that I put in some earplugs and go on my merry way, in my own will and by my own strength. Not so much here. Two weeks ago I still rocked my neon earplugs but then the shouting started. I’m thankful for the comforts ripped from my hands, because I can experience the ultimate comforter, desperation in its beauty, not its burden. On days when I seem further from understanding this culture than ever, I can rest, not because it feels normal or because it’s my first reaction, but because Jesus is loving me so much to affectionately scream at me to stop trying to know it all. There are moments of fear, moments of bliss, but I’m coming to find that there are riches far greater than a “good” day.

Moments like when I hear “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.” Moments when I step outside of my gate feeling the protection of the Lord, and a peace unlike any other. Moments of beautiful affirmation of His will for me to be here. Days living in grace and love of such magnitude I’m only starting to understand. That’s Jesus.

I’ll conclude this post with a prayer request. Yes it would be great if y’all wanted to pray for my time here, but I had a different one in mind. This “Christian nation” is a dark place. Incredibly. There are things happening here that haven’t happened in the history of the nation, there is a rise of witchcraft that’s crippling the people. I’ve talked to too many women about their husbands dying within a week of a bug bite. It’s not even material poverty that’s the huge issue. It’s spiritual poverty, a stronghold over this nation that shouldn’t be here. Pray for Zambia. Pray against darkness and evil and for light to radiate in every village through every tribe of people here. Especially for Lusaka. Maybe even be as bold to pray for God to tell you if this is where He wants you. I know He’s equipped His people to be here and it’s up to us to say “yes.” I know it's me. Maybe it's you too.  

not

twenty

Things I've learned so far: 

1. International missionaries are incredible people, especially the Carr family.

2. Clean is a relative thing. My lion’s mane head of hair will never be fully clean with a bucket bath, no matter how I contort myself or what methods I try.

3. Salome, the Carr’s daughter, loves to pick the wings off of flies and watch them walk around

4. German Shepherds aren’t so bad, especially when they’re protecting your life day and night

5. It’s illegal to drive with your child in the front seat. Unless it’s raining, then it’s okay (not kidding)

6. When someone hands you what looks like chocolate candy, you’ve gotta sniff first to make sure it’s not mystery jerky. Or else you’re eating hippo or some other exotic game animal.

7. Communication is accessible, but it’s also seemingly impossible.

8. I will forever be ripped off and charged the mzungu price

9. Zambian sunsets are still one of my most favorite things on earth

10. Anything goes.

11. Allow at least 2 hours for anything and don’t plan more than 2 things per day.

12. As strange as things are and as difficult as they may seem, nothing is ever completely impossible. It may just cost a ton.

13. I’m capable of speaking with a pretty awful fake Zambian accent. But it works.

14. I’ll probably never feel comfortable withdrawing an amount that reads in millions.

15. The screaming at dawn I thought was hundreds of men turns out to be just hundreds of roosters. Insanity.

16. Monkeys are actually here in Lusaka, but only behind some fence by the highway to the airport.

17. My understanding of culture and this country is very, very limited. And I enjoy more than anything just soaking it all in.

18. Diet Coke is here thankfully, but it tastes so much better so the “light” is probably relative and it’s probably just as sugary as Coke.

19. My butchering of the Nyanja language provides hours of entertainment for Zambians.

20. These next few months will be just fine. Better than fine actually. 

requests

Dear friends!

It seems like I'm posting a ton, but it's only like a few minutes here and there that I can knock out some emails and keep everyone updated. So of course I'm down to the wire with internet again. Only 5 minutes remaining so here goes!

There is so so so much goodness going on here. Humbling. Inspiring. Encouraging.

God's met me right where I'm at, incapable and a little bit overwhelmed, to show me that He's got every last detail worked out. This isn't a fantasy I've created in my head, but it's His plan, His calling that I've gotten to say "YES" to.

Here are just a few prayer requests for the next couple of days:
1. Our training program is underway! We'd love to see community strengthened between the women through work. Not just sessions and education but relationships and encouragement.
2. We're going downtown to begin the filing process to see CiH as an official Zambian NGO (this is HUGE!). This would mean anyone (including YOU) could come to Zambia under CiH to volunteer and further the cause of hope and empowerment in this place. It would open up 5 million doors for this organization and cause.
3. We just got a call from IJM here who wants to meet at 11:30am on Friday to discuss possible partnerships with their aftercare program for widows. Again, HUGE.
4. We have put ourselves in a ton of strange eating situations, all humbling as we're served by the seemingly most poor, but really most rich in faith. We still are in perfect health, sleeping great, so if you could continue to pray over this, we would so appreciate it.
5. Mark has just one week left. We're trying to create a plan for the long-term in his absence, but I would also love for him to experience the best of this culture with his time left.

Thank you thank you thank you for praying for CiH, the women, Ng'ombe and for us. You are just as much a part of this as I am, and I hope you can get just as excited to hear that God is HERE and He's also so excited about all of this!

Blessings,
Amy

winter

It's winter here. A good ole South Carolina style winter. Minus heaters and an abundance of cocoa and coffee. But it's beautiful. I wake up every morning bundled up in layers under a stack of blankets feeling the cool air from the open windows wisp around the room. You know that feeling when you're so warm and cozy and just don't want to put your feet on the ground quite yet? Yea that's it, and it's actually so comforting. Every morning I brace myself for the bucket bath to come and boy is that an awkward experience. I'm starting to develop an appreciation for contortionists. Anywho, winter. Who knew in the middle of July, a warm vanilla latte would be the greatest little treasure, and that my Patagonia would never leave my side. Daytime warms up a bit but just as soon as that sun comes down, time to bundle up again. It'll be summer here soon enough and from what I've heard, it'll warm up in no time! Time to embrace and enjoy the crisp air, hot Rooibos tea, and coziness of winter. Enjoy your summertime full of ice cold lemonade, bathing suits, and lake days. There's beauty in every season.

miracles

You wouldn't think that God would come and perform some pretty legit miracle on my second day here but surprise! He did! Elina's family has been suffering for a while, beyond poverty even. There's another water crisis. The well next to her house is dry and chained up. The landlord said to get out of the house by month's end, giving them just a few days until their homeless. All houses are extremely expensive due to demand in Ng'ombe and outside control. Elina's school sweater business has been suffering. Regardless, she continues to give and bless people with her faith, like surprising Mark and me with a huge nshima, beans and greens lunch! Today I was at Elina's all day. We chatted about CiH, did some costing at the market and looked for houses. By the end, we felt defeated. Helpless. How do you make a house appear out of nowhere? My personality is to fix it. But in that moment the Spirit said to be still, to tell Him what we want. So walking through Ng'ombe I had the joy of praying beside Elina for divine provision of housing. The amen finished and I didn't think much else of it. Fast forward to the FIRST official meeting with CiH women who we all adore. Pastor Brian attended in hopes of getting involved more and provided great insight and encouragement. He knew of the CiH meeting last year and started our greeting with "The Lord has been faithful to His promises." Hello. This is incredible. Hebrews 10:23 is my fav ever, but the magnitude and weight hit me in that moment he said it. God, the creator of the universe, made CiH! And He's promises it to His people as a means of survival and hope, and He's brought it to existence today. Soak that in for a hot second. Okay back to Elina and the miracle. With one short conversation with an organization in the States, Elina's rent is paid for at a huge house. In full. Done. We prayed that God would provide abundantly today but sometimes I don't think I believe it. Journalig just now, I realized how amazingly miraculous this is. God provided something out of nothing in the middle of nowhere for a woman He loves SO much! Elina will not be homeless. She will have and have abundantly with running water, electricity, bathrooms and a gate. Praise Jesus. I wish you all could be here to soak in the miracle but I promise you He's doing them everywhere, not just here.

weighty

(Disclaimer: this is a doozy. aka quite lengthy. Read it when you’ve got a few minutes to ponder & pray, like really read it. Save the skimming for some other ones. J)

As I’m sitting on an airplane back from a whirlwind of cities and adventures, I reflect back to the past week. It’s been filled with frustrations, heart hurt at the news of even more difficulties for Elina’s family, disappointment, and discontentment. All adventures aside, there’s much more going on lately with the huge trip less than 2 weeks away. And to be honest, sometimes my soul just feels weary. Tired. Worn. I pray to Jesus for comfort and healing, for a word amidst the chaos. I read His Word so thirsty for relief and a deeper understanding of who this God is.

And I sit here with a realization, one I’ve come across times before, but one that might just allow for my soul to rest. And for me to understand more of my Maker’s perfect, holy, loving, gracious, merciful heart towards me and toward all of His children.

What if God allows me to experience frustrations so that I can come to understand that His heart is the ONLY thing that matters? I’m not saying He causes my pain. I choose difficulty when I cling to circumstances, people, or outcomes in hopes that they’ll quench my thirst.

I look to God for provision to signal relief, rather than looking to Him as relief regardless of any detail, hardship, or weightiness that may be lingering around in my life. I let my disappointment shape my perception of God. But really?! That’s so lame. But I do.

What if I were to venture to say that Jesus wants more for my heart than I think I can provide for it myself? I understand cultural notion that we should always smile and be happy, but sometimes things just seem a bit more complex than that. Situations call for lament and brutal honesty with ourselves. Grieving. Whether it’s grieving the loss of a dream, or grieving a missed opportunity, or an unmet expectation. Or if you wanna go deeper, it could honestly be anything we thought we deserved of God when we don’t deserve anything at all.  It hurts when it doesn’t happen, we can just be real and admit that.

What if by my kicking and screaming, my temper-tantruming, though seemingly ridiculous but is actually quite purposeful in seeing Truth, is God’s way of showing me the depth of His love? He lets me fail by my own way, He lets these weighty life issues linger over my head, or pass on by without feeling satisfied at the outcome of them, so that I can see the BIGGER issue.

Grace. Riches. Abundant love. Purpose. Mercy. Justice. Provision. Miraculous wonders. Joy. Satisfaction. Peace. Safety. Redemption. Restoration. Hope.

…Jesus.

Sorry I’m not sorry for spilling my guts out on this one. Some may think the preparation for a 12 week trip to an African nation is all butterflies and ponies, but I would like to open your eyes to truth. Sometimes it is. Most times it’s not. It’s complicated, messy, scary, difficult, thrilling, never-ending in the lessons learned. News flash: I’m a human, a sinful one. But one who has HOPE in her Savior, and one who has been forgiven greatly, completely undeserving of it but completely made new by mercy and grace in Christ.  So in my crap I can admit that I fall way short and that big, bold, leaps of faith are sometimes frightening. But how would it be a LEAP without it?

My prayer for me, for you, for your family, your friends, is that we don’t see the goal, the next step, the friendships, the issues, the glaring injustices, or even the ministry as weighty, but that we see the heart of Jesus as weighty. As redeeming, protecting, loving, so incredibly beautiful and perfect. As all you’ll ever need in this life. Ever. It’s a big prayer. But I think we’re ready for it, ready as we’ll ever be.