weighty

(Disclaimer: this is a doozy. aka quite lengthy. Read it when you’ve got a few minutes to ponder & pray, like really read it. Save the skimming for some other ones. J)

As I’m sitting on an airplane back from a whirlwind of cities and adventures, I reflect back to the past week. It’s been filled with frustrations, heart hurt at the news of even more difficulties for Elina’s family, disappointment, and discontentment. All adventures aside, there’s much more going on lately with the huge trip less than 2 weeks away. And to be honest, sometimes my soul just feels weary. Tired. Worn. I pray to Jesus for comfort and healing, for a word amidst the chaos. I read His Word so thirsty for relief and a deeper understanding of who this God is.

And I sit here with a realization, one I’ve come across times before, but one that might just allow for my soul to rest. And for me to understand more of my Maker’s perfect, holy, loving, gracious, merciful heart towards me and toward all of His children.

What if God allows me to experience frustrations so that I can come to understand that His heart is the ONLY thing that matters? I’m not saying He causes my pain. I choose difficulty when I cling to circumstances, people, or outcomes in hopes that they’ll quench my thirst.

I look to God for provision to signal relief, rather than looking to Him as relief regardless of any detail, hardship, or weightiness that may be lingering around in my life. I let my disappointment shape my perception of God. But really?! That’s so lame. But I do.

What if I were to venture to say that Jesus wants more for my heart than I think I can provide for it myself? I understand cultural notion that we should always smile and be happy, but sometimes things just seem a bit more complex than that. Situations call for lament and brutal honesty with ourselves. Grieving. Whether it’s grieving the loss of a dream, or grieving a missed opportunity, or an unmet expectation. Or if you wanna go deeper, it could honestly be anything we thought we deserved of God when we don’t deserve anything at all.  It hurts when it doesn’t happen, we can just be real and admit that.

What if by my kicking and screaming, my temper-tantruming, though seemingly ridiculous but is actually quite purposeful in seeing Truth, is God’s way of showing me the depth of His love? He lets me fail by my own way, He lets these weighty life issues linger over my head, or pass on by without feeling satisfied at the outcome of them, so that I can see the BIGGER issue.

Grace. Riches. Abundant love. Purpose. Mercy. Justice. Provision. Miraculous wonders. Joy. Satisfaction. Peace. Safety. Redemption. Restoration. Hope.

…Jesus.

Sorry I’m not sorry for spilling my guts out on this one. Some may think the preparation for a 12 week trip to an African nation is all butterflies and ponies, but I would like to open your eyes to truth. Sometimes it is. Most times it’s not. It’s complicated, messy, scary, difficult, thrilling, never-ending in the lessons learned. News flash: I’m a human, a sinful one. But one who has HOPE in her Savior, and one who has been forgiven greatly, completely undeserving of it but completely made new by mercy and grace in Christ.  So in my crap I can admit that I fall way short and that big, bold, leaps of faith are sometimes frightening. But how would it be a LEAP without it?

My prayer for me, for you, for your family, your friends, is that we don’t see the goal, the next step, the friendships, the issues, the glaring injustices, or even the ministry as weighty, but that we see the heart of Jesus as weighty. As redeeming, protecting, loving, so incredibly beautiful and perfect. As all you’ll ever need in this life. Ever. It’s a big prayer. But I think we’re ready for it, ready as we’ll ever be.