fear

If you haven’t already picked up on this, I believe in being real. I struggle with it sometimes but it’s through my writing that I can really spill it all out. It’s my heart’s prayer that I can allow God to work in every part of my life so that this barrier will be torn down to allow every part of my life to be vulnerable, not just in writing.

This morning, I was honestly looking of a way out of sitting down for a “quiet time” which is just my way of learning about God and His Son through the Bible. I felt pressed with my to-do list, weighed down in stress of all that has to be done. I’ve wanted to write this very blog for quite some time now but this morning isn’t the morning I would’ve ever pegged for the whole let’s be open and gushy kinda thing. So I thought I was taking the “easy” way out by just opening iTunes to listen to a podcast from my church, Midtown. I’d eat my breakfast, listen in, and walk away from the day with some sort of accomplishment. As I write this it sounds ridiculous. But it’s really how my heart reflects my mind, and yes it’s gross. At the core of who I am, I sometimes believe that I will be able to earn God’s favor, that I’ll be able to impress Him into lavishing me with more grace. God’s proved that wrong so many times over but still, somehow, I believe it.

Maybe it’s because I believe that I have some sort of control over this life. I love a checked off to-do list. I love a sense of accomplishment and it’s when that’s tested that my life gets a little messy. Running Clothed in Hope, dealing with the realities of it all, I get stressed. I claim it as “anxiety” or “stress” or even tell people that “it’s hard” or “I’m afraid.” These words are common in our society, claiming these issues in a similar fashion like “I have blonde hair” or “I go to USC.” This is just a characteristic of who I am right? Extremely wrong. Couldn’t be more off from the weight of proclaiming these characteristics over my life. By allowing these titles to define my life, I am owning sin. I’m deliberately choosing myself over Christ. I’m harboring darkness in my life. Fear. Doubt. These both reflect a lack of trust in who God is, what He can do, and mostly for me, lacking in the realization of just how much God loves me regardless of who I am, what I’ve done or what I do, both good or bad. I recognize God’s power of my life when things get tough, crying out to Him when there’s really nothing else I can do about it. But lately God’s helped me to listen, hearing Him telling me there’s a different way. He wants me to take it to Him FIRST, to walk forward but with my hands tied behind my back. I won’t be able to do anything to prove that it’s me doing it. There’s no fooling myself now. God’s the only one directing my life, even with an overwhelming amount of sin destroying my heart. There’s no other explanation for it. Jesus died so that I can live. Not living for myself but God living through me.

I’ve had my fair share of breakdowns. Of temper tantrums with God. During a recent breakdown God said, “Stop. Speak to me. Tell me everything. Run into my arms. Let me speak words into your soul that will comfort every worry, that will defeat every fear. Even though you can’t put into words how you feel, I know. I always know. All your life you’ll have me, I promise you that. I’ll fight for you. I’ll always win.”

He’s telling me to return to my first love, Jesus. Instead of owning up to fear, I must choose to reject that sin in my life, bring it to light. In the light, no darkness can exist. When I’m trusting God, really trusting wholeheartedly, fear cannot be present. My life’s aim isn’t for an improved Christian life. It’s to know God and to love Him.

There’s only one healthy kind of fear. One that should define my life. Fear of God: knowing God is big enough to take care of everything, that we’re forever resting in His perfect love. Place fear where it should be, fear Him. He’s got it all. His love is enough.