thirsty

It's the Fourth of July, a day of celebration, family, good food, and an appreciation for our abundance and our freedom.

Why do we celebrate? I know I've celebrated a nice plate of BBQ, deep-rooted traditions of lakeside fireworks in my hometown, and a nice big cup of sweet tea. But have I ever really understood the value of freedom?

I'm at my home in Cary, NC and things have been quite interesting the past few days. First our air conditioning blew on the main floor, last night the refrigerator stopped working, and now our upstairs air conditioning just gave out. Talk about a relaxing holiday, right? I'm the first to complain of the hardship to walk down to the fridge in our basement, complaining of the terrible inconvenience this is. Or talk about how hot 82 feels in my room. But aren't I still free? I don't mean this to be some guilt trip blog post aimed to condemn our wealth, but rather a perspective check for myself.

I have a roof over my head. I have a bed to sleep on, a real nice one. I have a full closet. I have a supportive family. I have a faith that cannot be shaken. I have a Savior who forgives and redeems and loves fiercely. I have shoes. I have plenty of food in my pantry. I could go on and on about the things I have.

My world got rocked this morning waking up to this text from Elina, one of my dear, dear friends in the Ng'ombe compound in Lusaka, whose story can be found at www.clothedinhope.org/stories.

"Hi Amy, how are you? last year we experienced a water shortage. we are facing the same problem again... the water situation is not ok. the children wake up very early in the morning only to have a chance to draw water in the afternoon. children are complaining as you know this is winter and they wake up as early as 04:00hrs."

This means this family is thirsty. Desperate. Facing extreme difficulty, one we will never be able to imagine. The kids have to go out in the 40 degree dark morning for the chance to fill up a bucket of unclean drinking water, but water nonetheless, risking their lives for this chance at provision for their family for that day. I don't know if we can quite understand this. The kids could be taken or hurt if they go alone at 4am. But they could become severely dehydrated with the possibility of death if they do not go. And it's not just 8 of them. It's 80,000 in Ng'ombe. 80,000.

Why? What happens now?

My heart screams at this injustice. Hurts. Shatters to the core. WHY?! I frantically just emailed every well-drilling organization I could get my hands on, even Jef from the Bachelorette's organization (talk about desperation, right?!). I screamed out for help, for someone to listen to this need and do something about it.

I googled verses that I could post that would soothe this pain. My soul is thirsty for an answer, for something to be done.

My Father knows. He screams, hurts, shatters to the core. He hates sin, the sin that makes my dear friends lives be so difficult. He rejoices in their hope, in their reliance on Him. But He is angry at their suffering. He is crying at their physical thirst and immense need.

I can't do anything from here. Except keep praying. And keep searching for open doors. God wants to help, I know He does. And He says that He uses us as His hands and feet. He provides opportunity to express His heart.

Can you help? Email me! Can you pray? Do it. Can you take a second today to consider just what freedom means, what thirst means, and open your heart to see more of God's heart? You won't regret it.

listen

At the beach this past week, I was brought to a place to discover the answer to this:

"Why do we clutter our lives with everything and why can't we just stop... and listen?"

What are we afraid of?

That we may not like what we hear being spoken to us?
That we are so insecure in who we are that we have to find approval everywhere except with Who it matters?
That God may ask us to do something TOO big?
That He may tell us He loves us TOO much?
That we may have to face our sin to tell it that Jesus has already overcome it?
That His call on our life may be TOO scary?

I think we're all entirely too immersed in social media and clutter, and I'll be the first to admit it. With my iPhone, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, texting, calls, 3 different email accounts, there's always a place to find distraction. A place to suppress the voice inside.

Maybe Africa seems so appealing to Americans when it comes to international missions because we can't choose these distractions there. We can't replace authenticity in life with a cluttered facade there. We have to hear. What would happen if we sought to listen here and now? If we could quiet ourselves long enough to hear that God wants so much more for us than what we choose for ourselves- more love, more joy?

Maybe it's scary. Maybe we think the Holy Spirit might ask something from us that seems too intense, too uncomfortable, too crazy, too out there, too difficult.

Or maybe we're choosing that for ourselves by refusing to listen.

transitions

It's been a long time since I've written.
But that doesn't mean it's gone without much thinking, prayer, lessons learned in the past month or so.

This is a strange time, one of transition, change, goodbyes, see-you-laters, and one that no one has ever talked about with me before it happened. All of the sudden spring break is over and the next stepping stone is a monumental one. Graduation. Completion of 4 years of college. Earning a Bachelor's degree and a PR minor. Becoming an Alumni of Alpha Chi Omega. A scary, overwhelming, beautiful time of lasts in this place I've called home the past four years. It's been a good ride.

As much as my heart wants to break down and flood with regret, it is thankful. Thankful for the tears, the heartbreak, the tough classes, the trying friendships, the laughs, the late nights with roommates, the pillow talk, the sunshine on the river, the weekend getaways, the spontaneity of college with incredible friends. Thankful for people coming into my life, leaving it after that chapter was finished, and remaining in it for the long haul. Thankful for an education and for learning both inside the classroom and out. Thankful for Jesus giving me grace each day to know Him more and experience His blessings. Thankful for Midtown Fellowship church showing me the beauty of community, of church family, of living life together for Jesus.

That doesn't mean it's all easy. So many days have passed where all I want to do is feel, grieve, break down in anticipation for the hurt that's to come. But what if this wasn't really the best 4 years of my life? What if this is merely a stepping stone to an unknown but beautiful adventure ahead?

Sure my chest tightens when I think about frolicking around the town with best friends for the last time all together, or driving through my beautiful neighborhood thinking about moving out of a house filled with incredible memories, or hearing "You're Going to Miss This" playing loudly at a local restaurant.

I can't deny that things are tense but I can say confidently that in this I'm not alone. We're all going through it. And God knows it.

For the first time in my entire life, I don't have a next chapter figured out. I don't have the safety net of a plan carved out for me since birth. And it's painful to say and to realize sometimes, but I think that's okay. And it is good. Here's to growing with Jesus throughout an amazing 4 years at Carolina, filled with beautiful friendships, grateful for lessons learned and memories made.

Forever to Thee...

nothing

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in Me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing. John 15: 5

Apart from God I can do nothing. I can do no good. My "good" is evil without Him. My heart cries out for a life of desperation like I've witnessed in my dear Zambian friends and God answers. Here it is. Life that is void without Him sure stirs up a desire to abide, to cling to Him with all of my might. He's offering love. He's offering protection from my sinful self. He's offering a life of purpose.

Business meetings, conference calls, fundraisers, intern meetings, countless emails, t-shirt sales, it's all really, really hard to deal with on top of being a full-time student. I know there's purpose in every minute I devote to Clothed in Hope, but I can't help but just hate my busyness. I know that God has given me this schedule to bring Him glory but so often I twist it to become anxious and stressed at my packed-to-the-minute planner. If I'm being honest, it really gets to me sometimes.

But God. He reminds me that not a single one of those "good" things for the women of Zambia, for the organization, are good if I've left Him out of it. He's here with His hand outstretched asking me to just hold on for the ride of my life. Sure it's busy but it's joy when I get to fly by the seat of my pants with the One who created and ordained every single detail of my life and of the world. Who cares if I get a B on a test or if I take 5 days to email someone back? God isn't satisfied in the checks off of my to-do list or my performance, but in the way I trust Him, rest in Him, abide in Him, keep my soul desperate for His redeeming love and grace daily. And that is freedom.

throwback

I just came across a tattered journal I bought at the University of Zambia that contains bittersweet memories, tough entries, and the telling of my heart when I came back from Zambia. These are things I don't need to dwell in, but that I need to be reminded of. Because God taught me SO much during one of the hardest seasons of my entire life. He taught me things that are constant, steadfast, never-changing despite the world changing all around me.

I don't know why, but I wanted to share it. So here goes...

August 9, 2010
What freedom. To know it's not up to me to have it all figured out, to plan far ahead. God's got every path formed for me. I can walk in the peace of knowing that so long as loving God is my first priority, all other things will follow closely behind. I don't have to stress about this year. I don't have to censor myself, restrict myself from talking about God with certain people. I'm here for this one life. Life from God. Life for God. I'm here to share the Gospel in hopes that I can spend eternity with my friends but even more that my friends can spend eternity giving glory to the One true God who rescued them from the depths of their sin. Why should I live a Christian life? Culture? Duty? Because everyone important in my life wants me to? No. Because I have been pulled out of my grossest sin, been saved from living a pointless life by the blood of Jesus. I was created to glorify God. Only when I set aside myself can I see my true purpose and find the purest joy in working for that purpose. Joy in knowing I'm doing what my Creator made me for. Christ should be my sole aim in life. When I stand before Him when I die, why should He let me in? Because HE died and I reacted to His sacrifice. I shouldn't live a life numb to what He did. I also shouldn't praise God only for who He is to me and what He's done in my life. I should praise Him that who He is before Jesus' sacrifice is the exact same as who He is today. His qualities never change. I can never be blacklisted from God. His love for me is as unconditional as it comes. While this mercy is overwhelmingly amazing, it'd be dumb to only see this side. The God who controls the earth controls my life. I need to live in reverent fear of Him, dedicating my every moment to Him. Sure His love covers all but how can I grow closer to God if I fall away only to be picked back up to the place I started from? There's a fine line between religion and striving to live every moment for God but what separates them is the motivation. Rather than trying to earn more favor with God, I can recognize His goodness, power, faithfulness, His all-knowing being and live out of reaction to GETTING to serve a God like that. My actions are just reactions.

-----
Thank you Jesus for never giving up on me. For opening my eyes to your constant truth, mercy, grace, and love.

hosea

Today was one of the crazier days of the week in terms of a pretty busy day. From 9am to 6pm I was going back and forth between classes, a presentation, meetings, etc. But for just a few minutes I got to be still. I refused to open my laptop (as tough as that craving is sometimes) and made myself just sit and read the Bible. Finishing up the end of Hosea, I couldn't focus on big-picture lessons or unique metaphors or anything notably deep or profound. I was just brought to 3 instances in 3 chapters where the Lord starts off a point with saying,

it is I...

It pierced through my heart and I was overcome with such peace. After so many prayers prayed, so many difficulties faced with Clothed in Hope stuff, with senior year issues, even with just the day-to-day happenings, I somehow think I can solve things. And I somehow think that my heart can worship the Lord in doing so.

But when He says "it is I," it all changes. He lets me try to see that I will fail because He's waiting for just the right moment to step in and reveal His power, His glory, His sovereignty to fill me with awe and wonder and love. Lately things haven't happened in my timing (go figure, right?!) or even close to what I had planned. But it's just God waiting to whisper or shout to me "it is I".

It is I who provides resources.
It is I who encourages you when you're feeling defeated.
It is I who understands when it's hard to even communicate how you're feeling.
It is I who pursues you every moment of every day.
It is I who has everything worked out.
It is I who give you friendships to encourage you, to challenge you and to show you how much you're loved.
It is I who desires to bless you, to bring you joy through what has already been done for you.
It is I who loves you and knows you completely.
It is I who brings people into your life to show you more of Myself.
It is I who waits for you to give up to show you that it's done.

I'm thankful for a God who doesn't say "you must do" but instead speaks to my soul, "it is I." And I'm learning to appreciate the rest that He offers in waiting through this time. I'm so glad this whole life thing isn't up to me to do. It's in the hands of a mighty, loving, sovereign Savior.

battle

So many moments, decisions, thoughts revolve around this battle that seems to take over my mind without even noticing it creeping its way on in. It’s the battle to choose America or Zambia. To choose college or career. To choose social events or business meetings. This battle that has me seemingly split down the middle of two separate lives.
But this shouldn’t be a battle. It’s a gift.
America has its wonder- technology, fashion, entertainment, mountains & beaches, diverse friendships, opportunities, freedom, chocolate chip cookies
And so does Zambia- dusty roads, brilliant sunsets, echoes of laughter, little hands, Rooibos tea, humor through difficulty, culture, strength
(just to name a few…)
I don’t have to choose. I don’t belong to either but rather I get to be a part of both. I get to see the Lord in different ways, looking upon the face of the Savior in the Nordstrom sales associate and in the disease-stricken orphan. God lets me get a glimpse of His true nature. He is complex yet simple. Just yet merciful. And He is completely loving.
My heart may sway between two places but it can be at rest. There is no battle to be fought.
God’s plan is perfect.
If He’s brought me to this place, it’s not without all-loving, sovereign purpose. For today I’ll curl up on the couch, enjoy a good movie & Vogue with some milk and cookies. I’ll enjoy the little things of America because of His grace, knowing that these are just blessings poured out for me to enjoy to give Him the glory in return. Undeserving but wholly loved through Christ.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. [Psalm 62:5]