twisted

This weekend I went on a trip with all of the Global Mamas interns and some staff from the Cape Coast and Accra offices to Busua beach. It's known to be the most gorgeous, cleanest and quietest beach in all of Ghana and I'd have to agree! We took this huge safari-esque truck with open air windows and headed to the "resort" after we met up with everyone at the Cape Coast office. All along I've wished to be there or at least somewhere different than Accra but once we got there, I realized Accra is exactly where I want to be. Cape Coast is so much prettier but also so much quieter, apart from the inside of the volunteer house. Around 15 or so interns live at the house there and I mean I enjoy friends and all but my Scooby Doo bottom bunk is treating me just nicely these days. I thought the grass was greener in Cape Coast but I'm happy to be in Accra for sure. Oopsies I always get sidetracked. Okay so Busua Beach. We got there early evening, put on our swimsuits and headed straight for the water. Let's pause for a second though. We were told very little about this trip. Basically just to meet up with the group and we'd get there. So I didn't ask questions, for maybe the first time ever when it comes to planning a trip (a huge duh for all who've traveled with me or just been around me for more than 10 minutes). Looking back now though I kinda wish I'd spoken up but yay for learning experiences right?! We pulled up to this pristine resort with a guard house and a gated entrance... to turn around and go to our "resort." I actually love the roughin' it lifesytle here which is a huge surprise to me. I'm fine with the 5 minute cold shower, bucket showers even, bugs, sweat, dirt, strange odors, I can do it all no problem. But here was a different story. The Alaska Resort is owned by a group of rastas. Not judging but just stating facts- the whole "don't worry bout a thing" is pretty accurate, even when it comes to our living conditions. I was handed the key to my grass hut and off we went. Luckily I got to room with just my friend Tori but not so luckily was the day-long power outages, community unisex bathroom 10 huts away with an inch of water on the floor, and never-ending poundings of African drum circles that I never could locate. It sure was an experience though! A few girls got robbed, our towel rack broke in the night to dump our clothes in the mud, we got rained out from the beach for a good day and a half, but it wasn't the end of the world. All of these things were just things- many things I've already dealt with and some that just seemed minute in comparison to other strange or inconvenient things that have happened previously this summer.

Something else was just unsettling. Sure there were amazing times of laying out on the beach, enjoying a very fresh catch of lobster and eating it straight out of the pot on a porch on the beach, and waking up to banana pancakes served on the beach (minus the honey as syrup and ants in the sugar). As a whole though my weekend was just bleh. Just not satisfying. Not enjoyable. Not what I was hoping for. I've tried to place that feeling ever since it began and I think I've narrowed it down to this one thing. Twisted paradise. This place that's supposed to be so pristine and so perfect just wasn't. These people who were supposed to be just like me, just weren't. For some reason I just had this uneasy feeling the entire weekend, itching to get away from it all. I was in paradise, literally, yet that couldn't be more from the truth of how I was feeling. I prayed and cried out to the Lord asking Him to meet me in this low place but I wasn't met with any revelations or visions or even fuzzy feelings. I felt like I had screwed something up or that I hadn't laid it all out on the table before God and I was somehow being punished. My fear, doubts, and insecurities flooded into my mind. The more I examined the situation, the more I felt... inadequate. I tried to find joy in the weird weekend, celebrating how "paradise" isn't even close to Paradise in heaven. And for that I do rejoice! I just didn't FEEL it. I kept reminding myself of truth. I'm not supposed to be able to fit in with everyone; I represent Christ and have been set apart. The dissatisfaction I felt from everyone just hurt my heart. We all feel it but we all handle it different ways. For me though it was just heart-breaking to be in this incredible place and just see people who haven't experienced true joy, who don't know of the One who brings complete satisfaction and security. Something inside of me wanted to burst it out but with that was a tension to keep it all bottled up. I just wanted to tell them what kept repeating in my mind and in my heart all weekend: temporary pleasure pales in comparison to eternal treasure. Sounds cheesy but it really was like a broken record in my mind. Instead of being some beach preacher I instead just ran to the Lord. All of my feelings of inadequacy I put on Him. Christ died for every single burden, every single fear or disappointment of mine, even in myself. It is finished. There's nothing else to be drawn out or held against me. Even when the fuzzy feelings aren't there, even when I "feel" like God is millions of miles away, I have a Truth I can cling to. God never changes. He never feels unsure about His love for me. He never feels unsure about His love for all people of the world.

That's faith. It's also a challenge to pursue each day but I've found that every single time, God meets me in that. It didn't come this weekend, it didn't come last night when I got back to Accra but it came today. God's mercy is new each and every day, and today I could wake up with such peace in knowing that, knowing that He's for my good and that His plan is always better. Being completely honest, it's been hard for me here this time around. No one knows me or where I stand with my faith so it'd be easy just to let things fizzle out. But instead I crave even more time with the One who saved me from eternal pain, the One who reminds me that satisfaction is only found in Him and that every moment and every person was created to glorify Him alone. Here there's no Christian friends, no Bible studies, no church sermons, no church groups, services, accountability; nothing. There is no Christian music blaring from the radio, no trendy videos or deep conversation. It's just raw. It's a choice to live by faith. It's a choice to seek God in the hardest times instead of running to what's comfortable or what's easy. It's not easy but God DELIGHTS when I turn to Him in the hardships. He doesn't create hardships for His joy but instead He finds complete joy in seeing me choose Him over it. Wow I've just been rambling and completely threw my heart all out there. But I don't regret it a bit. I tend to overuse my words but to end I'll just keep it simple.

I choose Christ.